jords on jords.
The sitch: Despite doing “everything right,” I haven’t lived in an apartment with my name on the lease since mid-April (please note that it is currently mid-July) and will continue to couch surf, condo-sit and sublet until September. I should preface this entry by saying I do not suffer from any of the issues that one would normally associate with a person who is (technically) homeless. I do not have a mental disorder, I did not run away from home, and I do not take drugs, even recreationally. The reason for my homelessness is a badly-timed move by a former roommate, combined with the employer-forced need to relocate, ASAP. I also do not wish to disrespect the difficult situations people face when they are homeless and living on the street. This is a very different set of circumstances. This is more of a “mid-20s, did everything right, so how the hell did this happen” kind of tale.
Anyway.
Negatives: Not having a home is a less-than-ideal situation.
1) Having almost no possessions is a pain in the ass. Almost everything I own is in a different city than the one in which I currently reside. This makes it hard to read that book I intended to read when I got less busy, or to use that thing I own for whatever purpose it serves. I will say that it is possible to own too little, and I think you can also develop a fear of owning too many things. It’s the tightrope I walk. Sometimes you really want to just sit in a room that contains only the things you want to be there.
2) Your space is not your own. Sometimes you just want to be naked/cry loudly/take a 45 minute shower/eat cheese at 2am and when you are relying on the kindness of others for a roof over your head, there are some boundaries you’ve got to respect. (Life lesson: never cohabit with a vegan.)
3) “Sorry, you can’t come over to my place…” It is difficult to explain your unintended homelessness to others. Society has a very strict definition of what is Acceptable and what is Unacceptable, and not living anywhere ranks somewhere below still living with your parents’ after 30 and having multiple citations for public urination (seriously drunk dudes, just find a bathroom). The general conclusion is that you must have made a Huge Mistake, because this never happens to careful people with savings accounts and university degrees. (Newsflash: it does.)
4) Not having an address complicates everything. It is almost impossible to open a bank account, interact at all with the government, or get a job, credit card, or library card without having an address. Surprisingly, it is also difficult to receive mail without an address.
Positives: There have actually been some honest-to-god Life Lessons up in this biz.
1) Rid yourself of unnecessary belongings. There is definitely stuff I don’t actually need in my storage unit, but when you’re living out of a suitcase for a significant amount of time, everything in there better have a purpose. Haven’t worn that shirt in a month? Donate it to charity. Do you really need to buy another pair of shoes just because they’re on sale? No. If you can’t carry it, it can’t come with you. I am sure that once I have my own place, I will acquire many new items that I do not really need, but I hope I will be more conscious about the decision to purchase something and the motivation influencing that choice.
2) Know who your friends are, value them. True friends are the ones who say: “Sure you can sleep in the living room of the one-bedroom apartment I share with my fiance. Please feel free to never fold up the pull-out couch and do as much laundry as you want.” After living there for a week, I got even closer to an already-close friend. I saw the quiet ways throughout the day that she and her fiance each showed the other how much they value their relationship. I now appreciate him for the amazing guy he is; he loves her so much that he’d let a stranger stay in his house for no reason other than that she is friends with someone he cares about. The standard for dudes in my life has been raised by seeing the two of them together in the space they share with each other (and sometimes with me.)
True friends also can be relied upon to pick you up in a borrowed car to help you get to the next place you are staying. True friends are helpful even if they don’t have a couch or spare room to lend. They lend you their networks and tell you about a friend-of-a-friend looking for a subletter on Craigslist. True friends recognize that you’re going through a difficult time and do what they can to help, not because they expect you to do the same, but because helping out others is the right thing to do. Those are the people you want in your life.
3) Everyone has quirks and that’s (mostly) okay. When a basic human need is being fulfilled by the generosity of others, the annoying shit other people do becomes incredibly more tolerable. Bottom line: I’m staying at your place, I can’t really complain about the weird things you do there. Finding something annoying isn’t the same as being put in physical danger, so it isn’t worth the chance that I would offend you, as you are being so kind as to share your home with me. Bottomer line: you ultimately control your own feelings, so the easiest way to not be annoyed is to decide to not be annoyed. Earplugs help.
4) Cities are full of great things to do. I am seeing a whole new side of my city. I’ve lived in three different neighbourhoods in the past month and in each I have found a fabulous coffee shop, bookstore, bar and brunch spot. People love to show you what is special about where they live, so don’t hesitate to ask for suggestions. It normally takes years to know a city well enough to be able to recommend a decent restaurant that isn’t in a five block radius of your home or office. Explore your surroundings!
In conclusion: Sure, someday in the (near) future, I would like to have my own apartment where I can store my own items and do my own dishes at my leisure. Until then, I will rely on the kindness of friends and strangers. Instead of being ashamed, I choose to find some identifiable lessons to take from all this, partly because feeling sad all the time is exhausting. At the end of the day, really all you take with you is the things you’ve learned from the experiences you’ve had, so why not make the most of them?
